Rachel kept her gaze on his face for a few seconds before she closed her eyes, clenched them shut tightly. Why did he have to call her ‘baby’ that way? Why did he have to make it that much harder for her? She loved him and it as killing her to be around him, it was killing her to be away from him, it was killing her no matter what when it came to Noah. And everything he was saying was just making it a thousand times worse. And when he called her that it was like he just reached into her chest and yanked it out himself with his bare hands. It was such a horrible feeling and all she wanted to do was start to sob but she didn’t really have the energy to start sobbing. She wished she did but she was so emotionally drained at that point that if someone put a gun to her head and told her to start sobbing or they’d blow her brains out all over the wall? She wouldn’t be able to sob even if she really, really wanted to. So she kept her eyes clenched shut and tried not to look at him. She couldn’t look at him. She absolutely couldn’t look at him. Not in that moment.
She stepped back from him and leaned against the doorframe. She was very careful not to press her back against the doorframe in a way that would irritate the big scratch on her shoulder but that didn’t really matter. It wouldn’t hurt as much in that moment as it would if she were still human. She just took a few slow, deep breaths as she stood there with her back pressed against the doorframe and tried to calm herself down. She felt so stupid for listening to him, for letting him get into her head, for letting her emotions control her so much. But she was an emotional person. She always had been and she always would be. Nothing was going to change that. Her emotions would always control her and there was nothing she could do about that. So she took a few deep breaths while she tried to decide what she should say to him and in the end she just muttered, “Damn you, Noah.” Because what else could she really say? Without opening her eyes though she reached out, wrapped her hands around his shirt and tugged him closer to her, leaned up and kissed him. She knew it was probably a bad idea but she didn’t care. She’d probably regret it later but just then? She didn’t care.
Puck didn’t know whether or not he was saying the right or wrong thing anymore. He gave up trying to figure out that shit, it just ended up getting him into even more trouble than he was already in. He just didn’t want to fight with her anymore, in fact it was the last thing that he wanted. He was so so tired of fighting with Rachel and if he could help it then he wasn’t going to fight with her anymore. He loved her, that much he knew, and why would you want to fight with the one that you love? Their lives had changed in a million different ways over the last year and he just wanted to try and move past everything. Maybe they had a shot at being happy. The more that Puck spoke the more he wasn’t too sure whether or not that was possible but there was only one way to find out. He wasn’t going to give up on her. He have up before and got them into even deeper of a mess. He wanted to get out the mess and for them to raise their daughter, together. He just wanted to be with the girl he loved to raise their little girl. He wasn’t asking for much, but considering who he was that was asking for a whole hell of a lot.
When he heard his name come out of her mouth he was snapped back to reality, unsure of what she was going to. It was safe to say that when her mouth was pressed up against his again he was surprised. Actually that would probably be the understatement of the year. All the kissing that they had done that entire night was shocking, amongst the other things that they had done. It was kind of crazy the way that the night had turned out. Instead of focusing on it too much he just kissed her back, kissing her like he used to kiss her when they were actually together. He wrapped his arm around her, careful not to get her cut and brought the petite brunette towards him a little more. At least if they were kissing then they weren’t fighting and fighting was the last thing that he wanted to be doing, the very last thing.
Rachel wanted to believe him. That was the thing. She wanted to believe that Noah truly did love her, that maybe they had a chance, that they could be happy together. She wanted to believe that maybe her little girl would have a real family- both her mother and her father, and not just having both of them in her life but having them together. She wanted to believe that she wouldn’t have to live with that dull ache inside of her, with that stupid soulmate bond calling out to him pointlessly every day. It was an empty feeling, loving someone and not being able to be with them. It was devastating and it tore her apart every single day. She wanted him in her life so badly she could taste it but she couldn’t risk getting hurt again. Especially since she had Caroline to think about now. She had to put her daughter before herself and she knew that when she got older? It would hurt Caroline to see her mother hurting the way she was hurting when she let herself believe she and Puck could have a future. She knew it wouldn’t be healthy for that little girl to see her mother hurting all of the time, crying and wanting to have something she would never have. It would hurt Caroline in ways they might not even understand until she was completely grownup. It might even make her give up on love herself which she didn’t want to see happen to that little girl. Caroline was the best- and probably only good thing that had come out of their destructive relationship. And she wouldn’t let that little girl suffer because her parents just couldn’t seem to work together.
Clenching her eyes shut tight she tried not to cry, turned her gaze downwards so her chin was close to her chest. “I can’t get hurt like that again,” she whispered, her voice so weak, so broken that it startled even her. She hadn’t realized she would even have that much emotion in her voice. She hadn’t even realized she had that much emotion left inside of her when it came to him but apparently she couldn’t let go of what she felt for him. She couldn’t no matter how hard she tried. He had gotten under her skin, found a place in her heart, dug himself a nice little home there and refused to leave. And no matter what she did she couldn’t get him out. He was there no matter what, good or bad, for the rest of her life. He was a part of her. Forever. And even if he broke her heart a thousand times he’d still be a part of her. She’d just be left a broken shell of who she was- or more of a broken shell than she had already become. And that? Well, that she knew she wouldn’t survive. It would destroy her entirely.
It practically killed Puck every single day that he hurt Rachel so much in the past. What happened wasn’t fair to her, what was happening right in that moment wasn’t fair to her. Arguably he pretty much screwed up her life, especially since she was now a wolf. That night he should have just turned the other way, pretend that he didn’t see Rachel and didn’t expose himself. He brought her into his life whether she wanted it or not and that was one of the most selfish things he had ever done. It wasn’t fair to her. He caused all of the crazy shit that happened in her life and if he just kept his distance then none of that crap would have happened. But no, he was a selfish asshole and he fucked up her life. He could understand everything that happened between them. It took him all that time but he finally understood the shit that he put her through. But dammit, he loved her. He loved her more than anything else besides Caroline and even with all those mistakes he made he couldn’t just let her go. As much as he tried he needed her.
“Rachel, you have no idea how sorry I am for hurting you like that,” he whispered back to her. He wanted to touch her but he felt it was better to keep his distance. They weren’t on the best of terms and this entire night they hadn’t exactly been keeping much personal space. “God, I am so sorry,” he repeated. Each passing day that went by he just seemed to realize how much more he hurt her and how bad he felt. She didn’t deserve to be hurt like that; no one deserved to be hurt like that. “I love you so much, baby. So fucking much. And I know you can’t trust me and I know that I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve you.” Puck took a step forward, placing his finger under her chin and pulling her head up a little. “But I do love you and that’s not going to change. So, if you really want me to leave then I will. I’ll leave and go home, but I won’t stop fighting for you. I’m not going to give up on you and I’m certainly not going to give up on the fact that I love you. Okay? Never. But if you tell me to leave then I’ll go.”
They had to stop kissing. They had to. It didn’t matter what that stupid soulmate connection was saying to her, how it was screaming to her about how she and Puck were meant to be together. It didn’t matter. They had to stop kissing because they weren’t together. And she couldn’t go back to that place again, that place where she felt like she did everything she could to make them work and he didn’t do anything; to the place where she felt so fucking stupid for loving him, wanting him, for being with him. She had barely survived it the last time that she had fallen in love with him, that she had tried to be with him. Being with him had killed her and breaking up with him had been worse. Yes, she had gotten Caroling out of the deal and she loved that little girl more than anything but she just couldn’t go back to that place. That place of feeling emotionally exhausted, beaten down and unappreciated. That place where your whole life seems to be this black pit of despair because try as you might you can’t get the one person in the world that you truly love to love you back the same way. Puck could say he loved her all he wanted. He never showed it. And words were cheap. Because it’s so damn easy to lie. And he only really said it when he was in trouble or she said it first. He never seemed to even want to tell her that. It was a sad, lonely place to be. And she knew if she kept kissing him she’d end up right back in that place. But it would be worse because Caroline would be stuck in that whole mess, too.
That was why she unwrapped her arms from around his neck, put her hands on his shoulders and pushed him back from her. “No,” she muttered, shook her head. “No…no, I can’t do this again.” She pushed herself further back from him, pushed until she could get free of his arms. “I can’t go back to that place. I can’t even come close to it. To going back to feeling like the world’s biggest idiot for feeling something for you. To feeling completely and total alone while in a relationship. To feeling like I’m the only one feeling something. I can’t do that again. I can’t…and you need to go. You…you need to leave this house…and you need to leave me alone. Because I can’t….I can’t do this again. I can’t…go back to loving you and feeling like you don’t give a damn about me.” She couldn’t even look at him as she spoke. She just pushed herself up off of the floor, her legs unsteady and wobbly but she didn’t care. She just stood up and made her way carefully towards the door so she could go back to the bedroom and away from him. Because now being around him just hurt even more. Because that stupid bond and her heart called out to him- and they’d never be together.
The instant that he felt her push him away he just moved back from her. He wasn’t about to push the issue, but at the same time it didn’t mean that he was giving up. He lost her once and even though he was positive that they would never get back together that it didn’t mean he wasn’t going to at least tell her how he felt. He was tired of being this closed off asshole who pretended that he was too much of a badass that he couldn’t feel for someone, and it wasn’t like he was going to place it all on the soulmate bond either. She was his soulmate but he loved her even before he figured out that little piece of information. She was the mother of his child and he couldn’t go on with the mindset that was all she was, because Rachel was so much more to him. He loved her so much and that was never going to change, even if the both ended up separated for good from each other. A love like that never dies. Rachel was the love of his life and he had made some mistakes, but he was determined to not fuck up anymore, well, fuck up enough to end them for good.
As soon as he was up he stood up and got right in front of her, stopping her from being able to move. “No.” He said with a shake of his head. He was letting her just walk off and he wasn’t about to just leave. She’d have to try a whole hell of a lot harder than that. “I love you, Rachel Barbra Berry and I know you don’t believe me. I don’t show it and I’m a total asshole. I never tried, I never showed you that you mean the world to me, but god, you do. You mean so much to me and I love you more than you can possibly know. You are my everything,” he whispered, looking at her. He meant every word that he was saying. “And this isn’t about some stupid soulmate connection either. If you took that away I would still love you. You’ve been through so much and even though you don’t think it you’re so strong and that’s something I admire. I just close off and block people out, but you fight through the stuff, you let yourself be vulnerable and I don’t. I know that. It’s one of my many faults that you should hate me for, but you don’t even hate me. You’re such a good person inside and out and god, I love that so much about you. When you stopped breathing in that bed I cried because I thought you were dead. And it wasn’t even about Caroline, it was about you. Because having a life without you in it breaks me. It breaks my heart into a million little pieces because you make this world a better place; you make me a better person. I can’t lose you, not again. And even if you don’t believe me I’m not giving it up. I gave up once; I just threw in the towel and was a total asshole, but not again. I can’t lose you. I will fight for you over and over again until you believe just how much I do love you.”
They had been happy once. That little girl that she had carried inside of her, had felt move and had listened to the heartbeat of when she went to the doctor and eventually gave birth to was proof of that. Because if she hadn’t loved Puck she wouldn’t have ever ended up pregnant with that baby- and if they weren’t happy she wouldn’t have ever gotten into the position to get pregnant with that little girl. Once upon a time they were happy. They were in love and together almost all of the time. Once upon a time Puck had threatened Blaine for losing his cool with her; once upon a time Sebastian threatened her and Puck jumped to her defense, threatened to kill him and everyone he ever knew if Sebastian so much laid a finger on her. Once upon a time she was so, so afraid of what he was but still couldn’t help but fall in love with him. it was strange to think that as soon as she found out what he was she had wanted to tell people, had tried to think of him as a thing, a monster instead of a man, had tried so fucking hard to make him into nothing in her mind so that it would be easy to just tell the world his secret despite the fact it might get him killed. And then she kissed him. She kissed him and she knew she couldn’t ever think of him as a thing, as a monster. He was just Noah. Noah who was too damn guarded and didn’t think before he spoke; Noah who could be a total ass and was a total whore for such a long time; Noah who even when she felt like the ugliest girl in the room thought she was beautiful; Noah who she fell in love with; Noah who ended up fathering her little girl. And yet they seemed to be back to square one, to being apart and miserable.
But the fact of the matter was that she loved him. She always would. He hurt her so badly sometimes it felt like he reached into her chest and yanked her heart out but she still loved him. And maybe that made her crazy. Maybe it made her stupid. All she knew was that whatever it was she was feeling- just her sadness manifesting or maybe the soulmate thing, probably the latter rather than the former- it was drawing her back to him like a moth to the flame, making it so the idea of letting him go was impossible. She needed him there even if it was just for a moment. And she knew, deep down in her heart, that she shouldn’t be kissing him sitting there on her bathroom floor, blood still dripping down her arm, her back still cut open, her senses going haywire from trying to adjust to her new and unwanted reality. She knew she should get up off of that floor and tell him to get out, to leave her alone, that being around him hurt and that she couldn’t stand it anymore. But she didn’t do any of those things. So maybe she really was insane. She didn’t care in that moment though. She just kept kissing him, tightened her arms around his neck, pressed herself as close to him as she could get because his body was like an anchor to reality for her just then. And maybe at the end of everything it would just hurt more, maybe when reality slapped her down and reminded her they shouldn’t be doing that she’d cry. But in that moment? She just needed him.
Puck really should have stopped kissing Rachel. With the way that things had been between them it just wasn’t something that they should have been doing. The fact was that they weren’t together and even with everything they would probably never be back together again. He knew that and he accepted that but them kissing was definitely not a good thing. It would probably just lead to an argument later and he really didn’t want to fight with her. He hated fighting with Rachel and they fought way too much as it was, it wasn’t like they needed anything to add to their fighting. But even though he wanted to pull away, he needed to pull, he couldn’t. He just ended up pulling her closer, kissing her all that much more because he literally couldn’t do anything else. It had been so long since he felt anything but anger or sadness towards her, even if it was just a few moments of happiness. Not that he could even say he was happy, because he wasn’t. He just didn’t feel like he needed to punch a hole through a wall while being near her. It was a welcomed change.
AS they continued to kiss Puck pulled her as close as she could possibly get without actually hurting her any. She probably needed to get up and cleaned off, and someone needed to go check on the baby, but for the moment it was just the two of them. The two of them were the only people around and Caroline wasn’t crying so he saw that as a good thing and figured she was still sleeping. Things were so complicated between them and he was sure that they weren’t ever really going to get better. They’d probably just be in this standstill for a while, unsure what to say or what to do until they started being all pissed off at each other again. That’s all that seemed to happen between the two of them, even if words had been exchanged by both of them just hours before. When you think you’re going to die you say anything to mend shit in life, but that didn’t mean that it would really fix anything. He was sure that they both meant every word that came out of each of their mouths respectively, but at the same time they were just not people who had things fixed in the blink of an eye. They were stubborn and they wouldn’t be anything other than stubborn any time soon…or ever.
She knew that Puck didn’t actually mean for her to kill him but the very idea made her sick to her stomach. No matter how mad she ever got with him she couldn’t ever consider hurting him like that let alone killing him. The idea of him dying made her feel like she could throw up. But that was because she had always, always, always been the type of person where if she cared about someone that much she couldn’t ever consider the idea of him dying. If he died it would break her heart. It would make her feel like crap. But she wasn’t Puck so she couldn’t completely understand why he felt like her dying would be such a bad thing. He wasn’t like her. He wasn’t a helpless romantic or anything of the sort. So she wasn’t even entirely sure that she believed him when he said he wanted her to live. Sure, he might want her to live for Caroline but she honestly wasn’t sure that she believed he wanted her to live for any reason other than the fact that she was the mother of his child. And he wanted his child to have her mother. And she could understand that. She knew a part of him might feel that way because he grew up without one of his parents in his life. Maybe he cared so much about her being there for Caroline so that she didn’t have to live with not having his daughter being able to be with her mother. But she wasn’t sure he wanted her there for him. She wished she could believe that but it was so, so hard to try. Because things had gotten so bad between them and she had been hurt so very much by him in the past that she wasn’t sure she could believe that he really loved her.
When he called her ‘baby’ though it was like it knocked the wind out of her. It felt so strange to have him call her that after all of that time. It was strange and surreal and it shook her. It shook her and she just looked at him like she didn’t even recognize him in that moment even though she did, obviously. It upset her but only because it sort of hurt. It hurt a whole lot. Because they weren’t together anymore and it was a little upsetting to have him calling her that when they weren’t together and wouldn’t be together. She had this gut instinct that she wasn’t ever going to be with him again even if she loved him more than she had ever loved anyone- except for Caroline, of course. Caroline would always come first and she knew that deep down Puck would feel the same way. so she just sat there for a few moments and looked at him, watched him like she was trying to decide how she should feel about what he just said, how he should feel about everything going on with her in that moment. And all she knew was that she felt horrible. She felt like crap because of everything happening and her senses were running wild- touch, smell, hearing. It was all going haywire.
She kissed him again, not a brushing of the lips like that time before but not a big, deep kiss or anything of the sort. She kissed him like she was trying to thank him for the way it felt to have him try to comfort her even if it didn’t help all that much. And as soon as their lips made contact she got this strange feeling inside of her. The air pretty much felt like it was leaving her body and something in her heart panged. It felt tight and then started to beat super-fast like she had been running a mile. Something tugged at her towards him and she let out this shuddering breath, the air rushing against his mouth. She had never felt that way before. She had never even known someone could feel that way about a person, that they could feel like something was tugging them to that other person. And she wondered for a moment if that was what he was talking about when he mentioned the whole soulmate bond thing. She had never felt that when she kissed him before but she also reasoned that since apparently humans couldn’t feel that connection it definitely made sense to her that she wouldn’t have felt it before. And for a moment she just let out that shuddering breath against his mouth. Then it was like she couldn’t stop herself, it was like that tugging feeling was driving her instead of common sense- and that was really how she felt in that moment. Because she kissed him again. She wrapped her arms around his neck and she kissed him again like it was the only thing that she could do to keep sane in that moment. And in a way it definitely felt like it was.
There wasn’t a single doubt in Puck’s mind that he actually loved Rachel and he cared for her. She was the best thing that happened to him besides their daughter, and even when he had a shitty way of showing it he did love her. It was why he didn’t want her to die. It would break him, especially if it was at her own hands. That would just kill him, not literally, but it would crush his heart into a million little pieces. Mostly he wanted her alive for his own selfish reasons. He just loved her so much and he wanted her around, even if that just meant that she was yelling at him a thousand times over. Of course he did want her around for Caroline because she deserved to have her mother around. Every child deserved to have both of their parents around, and Puck never had that…long term at least. His dad left when he was young and it was just his mom. He wanted Caroline to have both her mom and her dad. If Rachel was gone that ship sailed. No matter what she thought or felt about herself he always would think that she was so strong and brave and could handle anything. Because she could. Rachel would be able to pull through this, even if wasn’t what she wanted.
As soon as he pulled himself from his thoughts and actually looked at her he didn’t know what was going through his head. She looked as if he said something wrong and considering who he was he probably did say something wrong. It was pretty normal that something came out of his mouth that made him this total asshole, so he just went over everything he said over and over again in his head. He kept trying to figure out where he went seriously wrong and he couldn’t figure it out. Mainly because he didn’t think about what he said, he just said it. In a way he just said what he was feeling. He didn’t put too much effort in the words he said so it didn’t come off forced. He truly did love her and he wanted her alive. He believed in her and thought she was strong. So, he really didn’t think he said anything wrong that would upset her at least. When she kissed him he was surprised, it was the last thing that he expected. He expected her to yell, hit him, run off, and basically do anything but kiss him. All he knew was that he wanted to kiss her more but he didn’t because they weren’t together. That soulmate connection always brought him to her and even though he always wanted to be holding her, touching her, kissing her, or just anything to do with her period he knew he couldn’t. It hurt but he knew it would be weird for him to kiss her. But then she kissed him again and it reminded him of the times before everything went to shit. As her arms wrapped around his neck he wrapped his own arms around her tiny frame, kissing her back just in the way that she was kissing him.
Rachel’s first instinct was to hit him, to try to hurt him, to try to get him to go away and leave her alone but she didn’t. Not because she couldn’t hit him. She could. She just couldn’t cause any real damage and she knew it. Just because she had changed- and God, she hated that word- didn’t mean that she could do any real damage or harm to him. He was still bigger and stronger and he would heal just about anything she did to him short of blowing his brains out which she quite obviously wasn’t going to do. She didn’t even have a gun so that wasn’t an option. Not that she would want to blow his brains out. And not just because it would be messy but because she could never hurt him that badly. No matter how angry she got, no matter how much she hated him sometimes, no matter how much he hurt her she could never, ever do that to him. Because no matter what she still loved him deep down inside of her. She would always love him more than she could ever love anybody else- in the romantic sense, of course. Because no matter what their daughter would come first. And she knew that their daughter meant more to him than anyone else in the world.
Instead of hitting him like her first instinct was she wrapped her arms around him, wrapped them around him tightly and sobbed against his shoulder. She didn’t even think about how she was probably soaking his shirt. She couldn’t even pretend to care about that in that moment. She just sobbed so hard she felt like she couldn’t even breathe. “I can’t do this,” she whispered to him. And she knew, deep down inside of her, that she couldn’t. She wasn’t strong enough to do that and she would never be strong enough to do that. It wasn’t her life. Her life wasn’t supposed to be that way. And she knew that deep down he knew that. He knew that wasn’t supposed to be her life and that she never wanted that life. And yet there she was in a life that was never meant to be hers. “I’m sorry,” she murmured and leaned back, her face red from crying. She didn’t even think about it. She lifted up her hands and took his face in hers, kissed him briefly, a very quick brushing of her lips across his but only brief because she knew she couldn’t truly kiss him since they weren’t together anymore. “I love you and I’m sorry. But I can’t do this, Noah. I can’t. I’m so sorry.”
More than anything Puck wanted to be able to go back in time and fix everything that had happened. It was a huge mess and if he never dragged her into his world then none of this would have happened. He didn’t regret most things that had happened. Of course Rachel getting attacked and now being a wolf was not exactly the best thing to happen, without any of it he wouldn’t have Caroline and she meant more to him than anything, next to Rachel of course. It was probably a selfish thought, especially since Rachel was downright miserable in the moment but his little girl was worth everything. Now the only thing he wanted to do was calm Rachel down, make it so she was okay and that she’d be okay dealing with everything. It definitely wouldn’t be easy but even though she thought she wasn’t strong, Puck knew that she was. It was impossible to be Rachel and not be a strong person.
He was pretty surprised when she clinged onto him but it wasn’t as if he was going to tell her that. It would have not been good, by any means. Instead he just wrapped his arms tighter around her, making sure he didn’t squeeze her too tight and just held her as she sobbed. Everything was killing him. He hated seeing her like that so much but there was nothing that he could do other than be supportive. “Yes, you can,” he whispered back to her. He would never think that she couldn’t. He’d show her every chance that he got that she could do it. If anyone was strong enough to do it then Rachel Berry was and he didn’t doubt that for a moment. He shut his eyes, feeling her lips brush against his before he just pulled is head away, it was instinct by then. “You can, Rachel.” He repeated, knowing that he couldn’t do anything else but tell her that she could over and over. “I love you, too. God, I love you so fucking much and I’ve been a complete idiot over the past year. But you mean more to me than anything else in the world and you can do this. You’re not going anywhere. You’ll have to kill me first. I need you. I need you in my life and Caroline needs you. It’s not fair to have her grow up without a mother. You’re a perfect mother no matter what you say. She’s so beautiful, happy, and healthy. That little girl is the best thing that you’ve ever done. She’s all you. This sucks. I know it’s not what you want, babe. I know that but you can do it. I’ll be here every step of the way. You can’t push me away. I don’t care what you say I’m by your side through and through, baby.”
Rachel shook her head, his words all just a jumble in her head. She could barely stand listening to him. His voice seemed so loud in her head. And her head was throbbing. Her head was throbbing something fierce and she was in a shitload of pain. She just wanted to get out of there but she wanted to get out of there permanently so she wasn’t sure what to do. She needed those scissors but he was so much bigger and stronger and faster. She knew she wasn’t going to be able to get them but that didn’t mean that she wouldn’t end up trying again. Because she would keep on trying to get to them. She had to keep on trying to get to them. She would keep on trying to get to them and she would keep on trying to get herself out of that world, out of that life. She had to, had to, had to get out of that life.
“Shut up,” she cried as she put her hands over her ears. She put her hands over her ears, a line of blood still running down her arm from the little nick from the scissors. She couldn’t help herself. She just started to cry. She started to cry hard. She started to cry really, really hard. She started to sob hysterically, her eyes clenched tightly shut. “I can’t do this. I can’t. I can’t be this. This isn’t my life. It wasn’t supposed to be my life. I can’t be this. I can’t. I just can’t.” She sobbed harder, shook her head, her eyes still clenched shut. “I’m not supposed to be this. This isn’t my life. This isn’t who I’m supposed to be and I can’t do this. I can’t do it. I can’t be this. I can barely handle taking care of Caroline without this in the way. I can’t.”
“I’m a horrible mother,” she sobbed. “I’m a horrible mother and she doesn’t need me. She deserves so much better than me. She doesn’t need me and you don’t need me. No one needs me. I just…I just can’t do this. And I hate myself…I hate my life. I can’t be this. I can’t handle being alone. I just can’t do this. I just can’t.”
Puck hated seeing Rachel like this. It nearly broke his hear to see her so broken and so upset. All he wanted to do is fix it all for her, make her the happy girl that she once was. In all honesty he didn’t think that she’d ever be truly happy again but he’d sure as hell try to make her as happy as he possibly could. He loved her too much to see her miserable for the rest of her life. Even if he denied he loved her, seeing her in the state she was in he couldn’t help but admit to himself that he still had feelings for her. They would never go away, even if she pushed him away for good. She was his one and only and there was nothing that was going to change that.
“No,” he shook his head much like he had been most of the night. When she started sobbing he just wrapped his arms around her and held her. She could kick, scream, cry, hit him, and he wasn’t going to let go. She wasn’t really going to hurt him and if she did do anything then he would heal. “You can, Rachel. You can and you have to. You’re so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I know this isn’t what you wanted but dying isn’t the answer. You’ll be okay. I promise you. I promise you’ll be okay.” He whispered, still holding onto her trying to soothe her. It probably wasn’t working but he was trying his hardest. “You’re not. You’re the best mother. If you were then she’d be all kinds of fucked up but she’s perfect. Our daughter is perfect and that’s because of you. You did that. That little girl is all your doing. We both need you, Rachel. We need you more than you’ll even know. You’re not alone. I’m right here, every step of the way. Even if you hate me and try to push me away I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me.”
“Shut up. You don’t need me!” Even though she was trying to scream at the end her voice was still a lot quieter than she thought it would be as it came out. She wished it was louder because she felt like it was. Only her voice was so strangled that she wouldn’t be surprise if to his ears it didn’t sound loud at all. But she was sure of that. She knew that he didn’t really need her. And Caroline would be fine without her. Caroline would be just fine with him and his sister and his mother. He wouldn’t need her. He would never need her and her daughter would be perfectly fine without her. They both knew that Caroline would be alright without her. So, she wasn’t sure why he was trying to keep her alive. She didn’t want to be alive. She hated the idea of still being alive if her life was going to be the way it was.
She threw herself around him, her body still too weak for her to stand and she sort of crawled towards the scissors, her mind set on one thing. She was determined. She was unbelievably determined to get those scissors and to continue doing exactly what she had been doing before. She just started to crawl her way towards the scissors, the very tiny bit of blood still hitting her senses so strongly that it almost made her feel sick. She just kept on crawling towards the scissors, the tiles cold against her arms and the air cold against the rest of her body though not as cold as it had been before she had actually changed. She hated that term though. She hated it so much she could barely handle it. So she just reached out with one hand and reached for the scissors. She kept reaching for them like her life depended on it.
“I do.” He insisted. Rachel would never understand just how much he did need her. Just because he didn’t exactly always show it and because they had been apart for the better of the pregnancy didn’t mean that he didn’t need her. It was quite the opposite actually. She was what kept him going and that wasn’t going to change. With her he would be able to hold it together only because of Caroline, but he would much rather have her around. Even if they were never anything at least she was still around. That’s what really mattered the most, just having Rachel around. He’d rather have her yelling at him then have her six feet in the ground in a box.
Puck watched as she went towards the scissors, knowing that she wasn’t going to get them. He was faster and stronger than she was, so of course he was going to get them back no matter what. He watched her as she tried to get the scissors for a few moments before he moved around her body and snatched the scissors. He placed them on the counter and moved down so he was at Rachel’s level. “No,” he whispered, shaking his head. “You are not doing it.” He was firm but at the same time it wasn’t like he was being an asshole. He just wanted to keep her alive because even though this shit sucked he didn’t think that she should die. “Listen I love you. Okay? I really fuckin’ love you more than you will ever know and that’s why I need you. I just need you around, okay?”
Rachel couldn’t listen to him. She didn’t want to hear his words. She wanted him to leave her alone. She didn’t even want to be able to hear his words. She didn’t want to be there. She didn’t want to be alive if she wasn’t really her anymore. She should have just died. She never wanted to be like him. Well, that was mostly true. She had only been willing to be like him when she thought they had a future together but they didn’t have a future together anymore. She didn’t want to be like him. She wanted to be her and she could never be here again. She would never be the same and she couldn’t handle it. She didn’t know how to handle it. She didn’t want to handle it so she didn’t answer him. She just made her way into the bathroom and closed the door behind her, locked it.
She used the sink to keep her balance and opened the little drawer that was below it, pulled out the pair of scissors kept there and then let herself slide down to the floor, slid herself over so she was pressed against the tub. She didn’t want to be something she wasn’t supposed to be and she wasn’t supposed to be that. And God, why couldn’t she have just stayed dead? It would be so much better. Her hands shaking, her senses going crazy on her she lifted up her hand and opened the scissors, pressed the blade of one side against her wrist. She pressed down and down and down until the skin started to split and then took a deep breath and adjusted her grip so she could prepare to drag it across her wrist, the smell of blood too damn overwhelming for so little having been shed.
Puck didn’t expect Rachel to handle this easily. It’s something that no one did when they were turned like this, against their will. Sebastian and Quinn both struggled with it but he had this feeling that Rachel was going to be worse than the two of them combined. He didn’t leave but he didn’t exactly follow her either. He just kept a close enough distance that he would be able to know what’s going on, just in case she tried something stupid. Well, at least he thought it would be stupid in the current moment, in her brain it wouldn’t be stupid. IT was subjective to say the least.
He stood there and the minute that he smelled just the tiniest hint of her blood that he knew was not from her clothing that had dried earlier he practically bolted into the bathroom, yanking the scissors out of her hand and tossing them to the other side of the bathroom, hearting the metal from the blades sliding across the tile. There was no way he was going to let her do that and even if it seemed like an asshole move, making that kind of decision for her he didn’t care. She had been through too much and she had to think of Caroline, if she wasn’t going to think of anyone then she needed to think of her daughter. “I have no idea what you’re going through and I’m not even going to pretend that I do. But this is not the answer,” he whispered, trying to be as soft as he could. “I know this isn’t what you wanted but you can’t leave Caroline. She needs you. She needs you more than anything else and I need you.”
Rachel didn’t even look at him when he held the shirt out to her nor did she make any move to take it. Her head hurt and was spinning. The smells were getting to her. Everything smelled too strongly and her head was throbbing. And she just closed her eyes and tried to breathe. She tried to bring her mind back to reality though it didn’t seem to be working. And that’s when she heard it. The breathing on the other end of the baby monitor. It was so much louder than it should have been. It was so much louder than it ever had been before. Her mouth felt dry and her tongue felt heavy in her throat. She wasn’t sure whether she wanted to scream or cry but God she wanted to do something and it wasn’t be there. She didn’t want to be there. She couldn’t be there. It wasn’t right. Nothing was right. Everything about what was going on was all wrong.
“You…you n-n-need to go,” she stuttered out, her voice shaky and quiet and foreign to her own ears, lifting up one hand to point her finger at him and even her hand was shaking. But she still didn’t look at him. She couldn’t even think about looking at him. Instead she tried climbing out of the bed and found that as soon as her feet hit the floor she was still weak. She almost fell flat on her face but caught herself by pressing her hands against the bedside table and then, using the furniture and wall for support she started to make her way towards the bathroom. It wasn’t right. This wasn’t right at all. She couldn’t deal with the reality of everything just then. She could never deal with the reality of the situation. It wasn’t her life. It wasn’t supposed to be her life. It was just all wrong and she couldn’t think straight.
Puck didn’t really expect her to handle everything perfectly fine and be good to go in five minutes flat, so he tried to just stay there even if she didn’t want him there. He didn’t exactly know what she was going through since he had been born a wolf, but at the same time it’s not like there was anyone else around who would know what she was going through. He was going to do his best to be there for her even if she told him to go. It would be overwhelming and with the baby on top of that it would just be a lot to handle in such a short period of time.
“I’m not going, Rachel.” He said it as calmly and quietly as he possibly could. He wasn’t trying to be an ass and demanding that he stayed. It was just that her being alone probably wasn’t the best thing that could happen. He watched her as she walked, making sure that she didn’t fall or hurt herself, granted she’d heal nonetheless. “I’ll be right here.” He was probably going to piss her off but he couldn’t just leave, and even if he did leave it would just be the room. He was no leaving her alone in the house to just deal with her new found life. Her life just took a drastic turn and there was no way in hell that she’d be able to process and deal with it in five minutes, so he was determined to be there.