I'd Rather Raw Dog A Beehive

very-berry-rachel:

Rachel knew, without a doubt, that she shouldn’t be kissing him. And she also knew that the odds of things ending well for them after everything that had happened were slim to none- and that was being generous. They were just so different and they clashed all of the time. It didn’t matter that she wasn’t really a human anymore. She still wasn’t like him. And because she wasn’t like him she knew, without a doubt, they’d continue to clash. They’d continue to have this problem. She’d continue to get hurt. Maybe, just maybe, somewhere inside of him he did love her but did that mean they were going to be alright? She doubted it. It didn’t matter if she wanted to believe they’d be alright. The odds of that happening were so small that she wasn’t sure she was willing to take that risk. And yet there she was kissing him again. Kissing him when she knew she shouldn’t. Kissing him like they were still in love and together though she wasn’t really sure she would say they were ever truly happy. Happy moments were few and far between when it came to them. She had to scratch and scrounge up happy memories between the two of them. The happiest and best thing that came out of their relationship was Caroline and she was sort of an accident. An accident she loved and wouldn’t trade for the world but she definitely wasn’t planned.

For as warm as her body was- and it was scary warm- her hands were cold. She wasn’t sure she’d ever get used to that higher core temperature thing that she now had. It would probably drive her nuts and she’d probably sweat to death in her warmer clothes. But her hands were still cold like she had been pressing them against a big block of ice. Maybe it was because she had technically died for a little while. She wasn’t sure. All she knew was that they were cold and he was so, so warm that she didn’t even think about what she did next. She just moved her hands down to his waist and slipped them up underneath his t-shirt to press them against his back, trying to warm her hands up more than anything. She dint even think about how oddly intimate the contact was for two people who were broken up. Of course, she didn’t seem to be thinking much were that was involved in that moment anyway.

That night was probably one of the most confusing nights of his life. They were kissing and then he thought she was dead, then she was a wolf, then they were arguing, then she was trying to kill herself, then they were kissing again. The whole night was rather bipolar and he didn’t exactly understand it anymore. What they were doing was probably a really bad idea and would probably only make things worse but he wasn’t going to stop her. He needed her. He needed her more than he had ever needed her before and it would be stupid to push her away. He loved her. He loved her so damn much and he couldn’t even begin to think about what any of this meant, for her, for him, or for Caroline. They could barely speak without things getting awful between the two of them and no amount of kissing was actually going to fix any of that. It just wasn’t going to happen no matter what. And now that she was a wolf he didn’t anticipate things getting better between the two of them. Even though he wanted so desperately for them to be okay.

He was pulled out of his thoughts when he felt her cold hands against his skin. It had been so long since he felt her anywhere besides when she was slapping him. It was so nice and he just stayed there and let her do whatever she was doing. He had no clue what was going on in her mind, which was nothing new when it came to Rachel. It was Rachel after all. He never knew what the hell was going on in her mind, which wasn’t nothing new in all honesty. It’s not like he ever really understood what was going on with him and Rachel. It was always a big mess. But he pushed all those thoughts from his mind and just continued on kissing her. That seemed like the safest idea in his mind, to just keep on kissing her so he dind’t have to think too much about everything that had happened that night.

very-berry-rachel:

Rachel kept her gaze on his face for a few seconds before she closed her eyes, clenched them shut tightly. Why did he have to call her ‘baby’ that way? Why did he have to make it that much harder for her? She loved him and it as killing her to be around him, it was killing her to be away from him, it was killing her no matter what when it came to Noah. And everything he was saying was just making it a thousand times worse. And when he called her that it was like he just reached into her chest and yanked it out himself with his bare hands. It was such a horrible feeling and all she wanted to do was start to sob but she didn’t really have the energy to start sobbing. She wished she did but she was so emotionally drained at that point that if someone put a gun to her head and told her to start sobbing or they’d blow her brains out all over the wall? She wouldn’t be able to sob even if she really, really wanted to. So she kept her eyes clenched shut and tried not to look at him. She couldn’t look at him. She absolutely couldn’t look at him. Not in that moment.

She stepped back from him and leaned against the doorframe. She was very careful not to press her back against the doorframe in a way that would irritate the big scratch on her shoulder but that didn’t really matter. It wouldn’t hurt as much in that moment as it would if she were still human. She just took a few slow, deep breaths as she stood there with her back pressed against the doorframe and tried to calm herself down. She felt so stupid for listening to him, for letting him get into her head, for letting her emotions control her so much. But she was an emotional person. She always had been and she always would be. Nothing was going to change that. Her emotions would always control her and there was nothing she could do about that. So she took a few deep breaths while she tried to decide what she should say to him and in the end she just muttered, “Damn you, Noah.” Because what else could she really say? Without opening her eyes though she reached out, wrapped her hands around his shirt and tugged him closer to her, leaned up and kissed him. She knew it was probably a bad idea but she didn’t care. She’d probably regret it later but just then? She didn’t care.

Puck didn’t know whether or not he was saying the right or wrong thing anymore. He gave up trying to figure out that shit, it just ended up getting him into even more trouble than he was already in. He just didn’t want to fight with her anymore, in fact it was the last thing that he wanted. He was so so tired of fighting with Rachel and if he could help it then he wasn’t going to fight with her anymore. He loved her, that much he knew, and why would you want to fight with the one that you love? Their lives had changed in a million different ways over the last year and he just wanted to try and move past everything. Maybe they had a shot at being happy. The more that Puck spoke the more he wasn’t too sure whether or not that was possible but there was only one way to find out. He wasn’t going to give up on her. He have up before and got them into even deeper of a mess. He wanted to get out the mess and for them to raise their daughter, together. He just wanted to be with the girl he loved to raise their little girl. He wasn’t asking for much, but considering who he was that was asking for a whole hell of a lot.

When he heard his name come out of her mouth he was snapped back to reality, unsure of what she was going to. It was safe to say that when her mouth was pressed up against his again he was surprised. Actually that would probably be the understatement of the year. All the kissing that they had done that entire night was shocking, amongst the other things that they had done. It was kind of crazy the way that the night had turned out. Instead of focusing on it too much he just kissed her back, kissing her like he used to kiss her when they were actually together. He wrapped his arm around her, careful not to get her cut and brought the petite brunette towards him a little more. At least if they were kissing then they weren’t fighting and fighting was the last thing that he wanted to be doing, the very last thing.

very-berry-rachel:

Rachel wanted to believe him. That was the thing. She wanted to believe that Noah truly did love her, that maybe they had a chance, that they could be happy together. She wanted to believe that maybe her little girl would have a real family- both her mother and her father, and not just having both of them in her life but having them together. She wanted to believe that she wouldn’t have to live with that dull ache inside of her, with that stupid soulmate bond calling out to him pointlessly every day. It was an empty feeling, loving someone and not being able to be with them. It was devastating and it tore her apart every single day. She wanted him in her life so badly she could taste it but she couldn’t risk getting hurt again. Especially since she had Caroline to think about now. She had to put her daughter before herself and she knew that when she got older? It would hurt Caroline to see her mother hurting the way she was hurting when she let herself believe she and Puck could have a future. She knew it wouldn’t be healthy for that little girl to see her mother hurting all of the time, crying and wanting to have something she would never have. It would hurt Caroline in ways they might not even understand until she was completely grownup. It might even make her give up on love herself which she didn’t want to see happen to that little girl. Caroline was the best- and probably only good thing that had come out of their destructive relationship. And she wouldn’t let that little girl suffer because her parents just couldn’t seem to work together.

Clenching her eyes shut tight she tried not to cry, turned her gaze downwards so her chin was close to her chest. “I can’t get hurt like that again,” she whispered, her voice so weak, so broken that it startled even her. She hadn’t realized she would even have that much emotion in her voice. She hadn’t even realized she had that much emotion left inside of her when it came to him but apparently she couldn’t let go of what she felt for him. She couldn’t no matter how hard she tried. He had gotten under her skin, found a place in her heart, dug himself a nice little home there and refused to leave. And no matter what she did she couldn’t get him out. He was there no matter what, good or bad, for the rest of her life. He was a part of her. Forever. And even if he broke her heart a thousand times he’d still be a part of her. She’d just be left a broken shell of who she was- or more of a broken shell than she had already become. And that? Well, that she knew she wouldn’t survive. It would destroy her entirely.

It practically killed Puck every single day that he hurt Rachel so much in the past. What happened wasn’t fair to her, what was happening right in that moment wasn’t fair to her. Arguably he pretty much screwed up her life, especially since she was now a wolf. That night he should have just turned the other way, pretend that he didn’t see Rachel and didn’t expose himself. He brought her into his life whether she wanted it or not and that was one of the most selfish things he had ever done. It wasn’t fair to her. He caused all of the crazy shit that happened in her life and if he just kept his distance then none of that crap would have happened. But no, he was a selfish asshole and he fucked up her life. He could understand everything that happened between them. It took him all that time but he finally understood the shit that he put her through. But dammit, he loved her. He loved her more than anything else besides Caroline and even with all those mistakes he made he couldn’t just let her go. As much as he tried he needed her.

 “Rachel, you have no idea how sorry I am for hurting you like that,” he whispered back to her. He wanted to touch her but he felt it was better to keep his distance. They weren’t on the best of terms and this entire night they hadn’t exactly been keeping much personal space. “God, I am so sorry,” he repeated. Each passing day that went by he just seemed to realize how much more he hurt her and how bad he felt. She didn’t deserve to be hurt like that; no one deserved to be hurt like that. “I love you so much, baby. So fucking much. And I know you can’t trust me and I know that I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve you.” Puck took a step forward, placing his finger under her chin and pulling her head up a little. “But I do love you and that’s not going to change. So, if you really want me to leave then I will. I’ll leave and go home, but I won’t stop fighting for you. I’m not going to give up on you and I’m certainly not going to give up on the fact that I love you. Okay? Never. But if you tell me to leave then I’ll go.”

very-berry-rachel:

They had to stop kissing. They had to. It didn’t matter what that stupid soulmate connection was saying to her, how it was screaming to her about how she and Puck were meant to be together. It didn’t matter. They had to stop kissing because they weren’t together. And she couldn’t go back to that place again, that place where she felt like she did everything she could to make them work and he didn’t do anything; to the place where she felt so fucking stupid for loving him, wanting him, for being with him. She had barely survived it the last time that she had fallen in love with him, that she had tried to be with him. Being with him had killed her and breaking up with him had been worse. Yes, she had gotten Caroling out of the deal and she loved that little girl more than anything but she just couldn’t go back to that place. That place of feeling emotionally exhausted, beaten down and unappreciated. That place where your whole life seems to be this black pit of despair because try as you might you can’t get the one person in the world that you truly love to love you back the same way. Puck could say he loved her all he wanted. He never showed it. And words were cheap. Because it’s so damn easy to lie. And he only really said it when he was in trouble or she said it first. He never seemed to even want to tell her that. It was a sad, lonely place to be. And she knew if she kept kissing him she’d end up right back in that place. But it would be worse because Caroline would be stuck in that whole mess, too.

That was why she unwrapped her arms from around his neck, put her hands on his shoulders and pushed him back from her. “No,” she muttered, shook her head. “No…no, I can’t do this again.” She pushed herself further back from him, pushed until she could get free of his arms. “I can’t go back to that place. I can’t even come close to it. To going back to feeling like the world’s biggest idiot for feeling something for you. To feeling completely and total alone while in a relationship. To feeling like I’m the only one feeling something. I can’t do that again. I can’t…and you need to go. You…you need to leave this house…and you need to leave me alone. Because I can’t….I can’t do this again. I can’t…go back to loving you and feeling like you don’t give a damn about me.” She couldn’t even look at him as she spoke. She just pushed herself up off of the floor, her legs unsteady and wobbly but she didn’t care. She just stood up and made her way carefully towards the door so she could go back to the bedroom and away from him. Because now being around him just hurt even more. Because that stupid bond and her heart called out to him- and they’d never be together.

The instant that he felt her push him away he just moved back from her. He wasn’t about to push the issue, but at the same time it didn’t mean that he was giving up. He lost her once and even though he was positive that they would never get back together that it didn’t mean he wasn’t going to at least tell her how he felt. He was tired of being this closed off asshole who pretended that he was too much of a badass that he couldn’t feel for someone, and it wasn’t like he was going to place it all on the soulmate bond either. She was his soulmate but he loved her even before he figured out that little piece of information. She was the mother of his child and he couldn’t go on with the mindset that was all she was, because Rachel was so much more to him. He loved her so much and that was never going to change, even if the both ended up separated for good from each other. A love like that never dies. Rachel was the love of his life and he had made some mistakes, but he was determined to not fuck up anymore, well, fuck up enough to end them for good.

As soon as he was up he stood up and got right in front of her, stopping her from being able to move. “No.” He said with a shake of his head. He was letting her just walk off and he wasn’t about to just leave. She’d have to try a whole hell of a lot harder than that. “I love you, Rachel Barbra Berry and I know you don’t believe me. I don’t show it and I’m a total asshole. I never tried, I never showed you that you mean the world to me, but god, you do. You mean so much to me and I love you more than you can possibly know. You are my everything,” he whispered, looking at her. He meant every word that he was saying. “And this isn’t about some stupid soulmate connection either. If you took that away I would still love you. You’ve been through so much and even though you don’t think it you’re so strong and that’s something I admire. I just close off and block people out, but you fight through the stuff, you let yourself be vulnerable and I don’t. I know that. It’s one of my many faults that you should hate me for, but you don’t even hate me. You’re such a good person inside and out and god, I love that so much about you. When you stopped breathing in that bed I cried because I thought you were dead. And it wasn’t even about Caroline, it was about you. Because having a life without you in it breaks me. It breaks my heart into a million little pieces because you make this world a better place; you make me a better person. I can’t lose you, not again. And even if you don’t believe me I’m not giving it up. I gave up once; I just threw in the towel and was a total asshole, but not again. I can’t lose you. I will fight for you over and over again until you believe just how much I do love you.”

very-berry-rachel:

They had been happy once. That little girl that she had carried inside of her, had felt move and had listened to the heartbeat of when she went to the doctor and eventually gave birth to was proof of that. Because if she hadn’t loved Puck she wouldn’t have ever ended up pregnant with that baby- and if they weren’t happy she wouldn’t have ever gotten into the position to get pregnant with that little girl. Once upon a time they were happy. They were in love and together almost all of the time. Once upon a time Puck had threatened Blaine for losing his cool with her; once upon a time Sebastian threatened her and Puck jumped to her defense, threatened to kill him and everyone he ever knew if Sebastian so much laid a finger on her. Once upon a time she was so, so afraid of what he was but still couldn’t help but fall in love with him. it was strange to think that as soon as she found out what he was she had wanted to tell people, had tried to think of him as a thing, a monster instead of a man, had tried so fucking hard to make him into nothing in her mind so that it would be easy to just tell the world his secret despite the fact it might get him killed. And then she kissed him. She kissed him and she knew she couldn’t ever think of him as a thing, as a monster. He was just Noah. Noah who was too damn guarded and didn’t think before he spoke; Noah who could be a total ass and was a total whore for such a long time; Noah who even when she felt like the ugliest girl in the room thought she was beautiful; Noah who she fell in love with; Noah who ended up fathering her little girl. And yet they seemed to be back to square one, to being apart and miserable.

But the fact of the matter was that she loved him. She always would. He hurt her so badly sometimes it felt like he reached into her chest and yanked her heart out but she still loved him. And maybe that made her crazy. Maybe it made her stupid. All she knew was that whatever it was she was feeling- just her sadness manifesting or maybe the soulmate thing, probably the latter rather than the former- it was drawing her back to him like a moth to the flame, making it so the idea of letting him go was impossible. She needed him there even if it was just for a moment. And she knew, deep down in her heart, that she shouldn’t be kissing him sitting there on her bathroom floor, blood still dripping down her arm, her back still cut open, her senses going haywire from trying to adjust to her new and unwanted reality. She knew she should get up off of that floor and tell him to get out, to leave her alone, that being around him hurt and that she couldn’t stand it anymore. But she didn’t do any of those things. So maybe she really was insane. She didn’t care in that moment though. She just kept kissing him, tightened her arms around his neck, pressed herself as close to him as she could get because his body was like an anchor to reality for her just then. And maybe at the end of everything it would just hurt more, maybe when reality slapped her down and reminded her they shouldn’t be doing that she’d cry. But in that moment? She just needed him.

Puck really should have stopped kissing Rachel. With the way that things had been between them it just wasn’t something that they should have been doing. The fact was that they weren’t together and even with everything they would probably never be back together again. He knew that and he accepted that but them kissing was definitely not a good thing. It would probably just lead to an argument later and he really didn’t want to fight with her. He hated fighting with Rachel and they fought way too much as it was, it wasn’t like they needed anything to add to their fighting. But even though he wanted to pull away, he needed to pull, he couldn’t. He just ended up pulling her closer, kissing her all that much more because he literally couldn’t do anything else. It had been so long since he felt anything but anger or sadness towards her, even if it was just a few moments of happiness. Not that he could even say he was happy, because he wasn’t. He just didn’t feel like he needed to punch a hole through a wall while being near her. It was a welcomed change.

AS they continued to kiss Puck pulled her as close as she could possibly get without actually hurting her any. She probably needed to get up and cleaned off, and someone needed to go check on the baby, but for the moment it was just the two of them. The two of them were the only people around and Caroline wasn’t crying so he saw that as a good thing and figured she was still sleeping. Things were so complicated between them and he was sure that they weren’t ever really going to get better. They’d probably just be in this standstill for a while, unsure what to say or what to do until they started being all pissed off at each other again. That’s all that seemed to happen between the two of them, even if words had been exchanged by both of them just hours before. When you think you’re going to die you say anything to mend shit in life, but that didn’t mean that it would really fix anything. He was sure that they both meant every word that came out of each of their mouths respectively, but at the same time they were just not people who had things fixed in the blink of an eye. They were stubborn and they wouldn’t be anything other than stubborn any time soon…or ever.

very-berry-rachel:

She knew that Puck didn’t actually mean for her to kill him but the very idea made her sick to her stomach. No matter how mad she ever got with him she couldn’t ever consider hurting him like that let alone killing him. The idea of him dying made her feel like she could throw up. But that was because she had always, always, always been the type of person where if she cared about someone that much she couldn’t ever consider the idea of him dying. If he died it would break her heart. It would make her feel like crap. But she wasn’t Puck so she couldn’t completely understand why he felt like her dying would be such a bad thing. He wasn’t like her. He wasn’t a helpless romantic or anything of the sort. So she wasn’t even entirely sure that she believed him when he said he wanted her to live. Sure, he might want her to live for Caroline but she honestly wasn’t sure that she believed he wanted her to live for any reason other than the fact that she was the mother of his child. And he wanted his child to have her mother. And she could understand that. She knew a part of him might feel that way because he grew up without one of his parents in his life. Maybe he cared so much about her being there for Caroline so that she didn’t have to live with not having his daughter being able to be with her mother. But she wasn’t sure he wanted her there for him. She wished she could believe that but it was so, so hard to try. Because things had gotten so bad between them and she had been hurt so very much by him in the past that she wasn’t sure she could believe that he really loved her.

When he called her ‘baby’ though it was like it knocked the wind out of her. It felt so strange to have him call her that after all of that time. It was strange and surreal and it shook her. It shook her and she just looked at him like she didn’t even recognize him in that moment even though she did, obviously. It upset her but only because it sort of hurt. It hurt a whole lot. Because they weren’t together anymore and it was a little upsetting to have him calling her that when they weren’t together and wouldn’t be together. She had this gut instinct that she wasn’t ever going to be with him again even if she loved him more than she had ever loved anyone- except for Caroline, of course. Caroline would always come first and she knew that deep down Puck would feel the same way. so she just sat there for a few moments and looked at him, watched him like she was trying to decide how she should feel about what he just said, how he should feel about everything going on with her in that moment. And all she knew was that she felt horrible. She felt like crap because of everything happening and her senses were running wild- touch, smell, hearing. It was all going haywire.

She kissed him again, not a brushing of the lips like that time before but not a big, deep kiss or anything of the sort. She kissed him like she was trying to thank him for the way it felt to have him try to comfort her even if it didn’t help all that much. And as soon as their lips made contact she got this strange feeling inside of her. The air pretty much felt like it was leaving her body and something in her heart panged. It felt tight and then started to beat super-fast like she had been running a mile. Something tugged at her towards him and she let out this shuddering breath, the air rushing against his mouth. She had never felt that way before. She had never even known someone could feel that way about a person, that they could feel like something was tugging them to that other person. And she wondered for a moment if that was what he was talking about when he mentioned the whole soulmate bond thing. She had never felt that when she kissed him before but she also reasoned that since apparently humans couldn’t feel that connection it definitely made sense to her that she wouldn’t have felt it before. And for a moment she just let out that shuddering breath against his mouth. Then it was like she couldn’t stop herself, it was like that tugging feeling was driving her instead of common sense- and that was really how she felt in that moment. Because she kissed him again. She wrapped her arms around his neck and she kissed him again like it was the only thing that she could do to keep sane in that moment. And in a way it definitely felt like it was.

There wasn’t a single doubt in Puck’s mind that he actually loved Rachel and he cared for her. She was the best thing that happened to him besides their daughter, and even when he had a shitty way of showing it he did love her. It was why he didn’t want her to die. It would break him, especially if it was at her own hands. That would just kill him, not literally, but it would crush his heart into a million little pieces. Mostly he wanted her alive for his own selfish reasons. He just loved her so much and he wanted her around, even if that just meant that she was yelling at him a thousand times over. Of course he did want her around for Caroline because she deserved to have her mother around. Every child deserved to have both of their parents around, and Puck never had that…long term at least. His dad left when he was young and it was just his mom. He wanted Caroline to have both her mom and her dad. If Rachel was gone that ship sailed. No matter what she thought or felt about herself he always would think that she was so strong and brave and could handle anything. Because she could. Rachel would be able to pull through this, even if wasn’t what she wanted.

As soon as he pulled himself from his thoughts and actually looked at her he didn’t know what was going through his head. She looked as if he said something wrong and considering who he was he probably did say something wrong. It was pretty normal that something came out of his mouth that made him this total asshole, so he just went over everything he said over and over again in his head. He kept trying to figure out where he went seriously wrong and he couldn’t figure it out. Mainly because he didn’t think about what he said, he just said it. In a way he just said what he was feeling. He didn’t put too much effort in the words he said so it didn’t come off forced. He truly did love her and he wanted her alive. He believed in her and thought she was strong. So, he really didn’t think he said anything wrong that would upset her at least. When she kissed him he was surprised, it was the last thing that he expected. He expected her to yell, hit him, run off, and basically do anything but kiss him. All he knew was that he wanted to kiss her more but he didn’t because they weren’t together. That soulmate connection always brought him to her and even though he always wanted to be holding her, touching her, kissing her, or just anything to do with her period he knew he couldn’t. It hurt but he knew it would be weird for him to kiss her. But then she kissed him again and it reminded him of the times before everything went to shit. As her arms wrapped around his neck he wrapped his own arms around her tiny frame, kissing her back just in the way that she was kissing him.

very-berry-rachel:

Rachel’s first instinct was to hit him, to try to hurt him, to try to get him to go away and leave her alone but she didn’t. Not because she couldn’t hit him. She could. She just couldn’t cause any real damage and she knew it. Just because she had changed- and God, she hated that word- didn’t mean that she could do any real damage or harm to him. He was still bigger and stronger and he would heal just about anything she did to him short of blowing his brains out which she quite obviously wasn’t going to do. She didn’t even have a gun so that wasn’t an option. Not that she would want to blow his brains out. And not just because it would be messy but because she could never hurt him that badly. No matter how angry she got, no matter how much she hated him sometimes, no matter how much he hurt her she could never, ever do that to him. Because no matter what she still loved him deep down inside of her. She would always love him more than she could ever love anybody else- in the romantic sense, of course. Because no matter what their daughter would come first. And she knew that their daughter meant more to him than anyone else in the world.

Instead of hitting him like her first instinct was she wrapped her arms around him, wrapped them around him tightly and sobbed against his shoulder. She didn’t even think about how she was probably soaking his shirt. She couldn’t even pretend to care about that in that moment. She just sobbed so hard she felt like she couldn’t even breathe. “I can’t do this,” she whispered to him. And she knew, deep down inside of her, that she couldn’t. She wasn’t strong enough to do that and she would never be strong enough to do that. It wasn’t her life. Her life wasn’t supposed to be that way. And she knew that deep down he knew that. He knew that wasn’t supposed to be her life and that she never wanted that life. And yet there she was in a life that was never meant to be hers. “I’m sorry,” she murmured and leaned back, her face red from crying. She didn’t even think about it. She lifted up her hands and took his face in hers, kissed him briefly, a very quick brushing of her lips across his but only brief because she knew she couldn’t truly kiss him since they weren’t together anymore. “I love you and I’m sorry. But I can’t do this, Noah. I can’t. I’m so sorry.”

More than anything Puck wanted to be able to go back in time and fix everything that had happened. It was a huge mess and if he never dragged her into his world then none of this would have happened. He didn’t regret most things that had happened. Of course Rachel getting attacked and now being a wolf was not exactly the best thing to happen, without any of it he wouldn’t have Caroline and she meant more to him than anything, next to Rachel of course. It was probably a selfish thought, especially since Rachel was downright miserable in the moment but his little girl was worth everything. Now the only thing he wanted to do was calm Rachel down, make it so she was okay and that she’d be okay dealing with everything. It definitely wouldn’t be easy but even though she thought she wasn’t strong, Puck knew that she was. It was impossible to be Rachel and not be a strong person.

He was pretty surprised when she clinged onto him but it wasn’t as if he was going to tell her that. It would have not been good, by any means. Instead he just wrapped his arms tighter around her, making sure he didn’t squeeze her too tight and just held her as she sobbed. Everything was killing him. He hated seeing her like that so much but there was nothing that he could do other than be supportive. “Yes, you can,” he whispered back to her. He would never think that she couldn’t. He’d show her every chance that he got that she could do it. If anyone was strong enough to do it then Rachel Berry was and he didn’t doubt that for a moment. He shut his eyes, feeling her lips brush against his before he just pulled is head away, it was instinct by then. “You can, Rachel.” He repeated, knowing that he couldn’t do anything else but tell her that she could over and over. “I love you, too. God, I love you so fucking much and I’ve been a complete idiot over the past year. But you mean more to me than anything else in the world and you can do this. You’re not going anywhere. You’ll have to kill me first. I need you. I need you in my life and Caroline needs you. It’s not fair to have her grow up without a mother. You’re a perfect mother no matter what you say. She’s so beautiful, happy, and healthy. That little girl is the best thing that you’ve ever done. She’s all you. This sucks. I know it’s not what you want, babe. I know that but you can do it. I’ll be here every step of the way. You can’t push me away. I don’t care what you say I’m by your side through and through, baby.”

very-berry-rachel:

Rachel shook her head, his words all just a jumble in her head. She could barely stand listening to him. His voice seemed so loud in her head. And her head was throbbing. Her head was throbbing something fierce and she was in a shitload of pain. She just wanted to get out of there but she wanted to get out of there permanently so she wasn’t sure what to do. She needed those scissors but he was so much bigger and stronger and faster. She knew she wasn’t going to be able to get them but that didn’t mean that she wouldn’t end up trying again. Because she would keep on trying to get to them. She had to keep on trying to get to them. She would keep on trying to get to them and she would keep on trying to get herself out of that world, out of that life. She had to, had to, had to get out of that life.

“Shut up,” she cried as she put her hands over her ears. She put her hands over her ears, a line of blood still running down her arm from the little nick from the scissors. She couldn’t help herself. She just started to cry. She started to cry hard. She started to cry really, really hard. She started to sob hysterically, her eyes clenched tightly shut. “I can’t do this. I can’t. I can’t be this. This isn’t my life. It wasn’t supposed to be my life. I can’t be this. I can’t. I just can’t.” She sobbed harder, shook her head, her eyes still clenched shut. “I’m not supposed to be this. This isn’t my life. This isn’t who I’m supposed to be and I can’t do this. I can’t do it. I can’t be this. I can barely handle taking care of Caroline without this in the way. I can’t.”

“I’m a horrible mother,” she sobbed. “I’m a horrible mother and she doesn’t need me. She deserves so much better than me. She doesn’t need me and you don’t need me. No one needs me. I just…I just can’t do this. And I hate myself…I hate my life. I can’t be this. I can’t handle being alone. I just can’t do this. I just can’t.”

Puck hated seeing Rachel like this. It nearly broke his hear to see her so broken and so upset. All he wanted to do is fix it all for her, make her the happy girl that she once was. In all honesty he didn’t think that she’d ever be truly happy again but he’d sure as hell try to make her as happy as he possibly could. He loved her too much to see her miserable for the rest of her life. Even if he denied he loved her, seeing her in the state she was in he couldn’t help but admit to himself that he still had feelings for her. They would never go away, even if she pushed him away for good. She was his one and only and there was nothing that was going to change that.

 “No,” he shook his head much like he had been most of the night. When she started sobbing he just wrapped his arms around her and held her. She could kick, scream, cry, hit him, and he wasn’t going to let go. She wasn’t really going to hurt him and if she did do anything then he would heal. “You can, Rachel. You can and you have to. You’re so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I know this isn’t what you wanted but dying isn’t the answer. You’ll be okay. I promise you. I promise you’ll be okay.” He whispered, still holding onto her trying to soothe her. It probably wasn’t working but he was trying his hardest. “You’re not. You’re the best mother. If you were then she’d be all kinds of fucked up but she’s perfect. Our daughter is perfect and that’s because of you. You did that. That little girl is all your doing. We both need you, Rachel. We need you more than you’ll even know. You’re not alone. I’m right here, every step of the way. Even if you hate me and try to push me away I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me.”

very-berry-rachel:

“Shut up. You don’t need me!” Even though she was trying to scream at the end her voice was still a lot quieter than she thought it would be as it came out. She wished it was louder because she felt like it was. Only her voice was so strangled that she wouldn’t be surprise if to his ears it didn’t sound loud at all. But she was sure of that. She knew that he didn’t really need her. And Caroline would be fine without her. Caroline would be just fine with him and his sister and his mother. He wouldn’t need her. He would never need her and her daughter would be perfectly fine without her. They both knew that Caroline would be alright without her. So, she wasn’t sure why he was trying to keep her alive. She didn’t want to be alive. She hated the idea of still being alive if her life was going to be the way it was.

She threw herself around him, her body still too weak for her to stand and she sort of crawled towards the scissors, her mind set on one thing. She was determined. She was unbelievably determined to get those scissors and to continue doing exactly what she had been doing before. She just started to crawl her way towards the scissors, the very tiny bit of blood still hitting her senses so strongly that it almost made her feel sick. She just kept on crawling towards the scissors, the tiles cold against her arms and the air cold against the rest of her body though not as cold as it had been before she had actually changed. She hated that term though. She hated it so much she could barely handle it. So she just reached out with one hand and reached for the scissors. She kept reaching for them like her life depended on it.

 “I do.” He insisted. Rachel would never understand just how much he did need her. Just because he didn’t exactly always show it and because they had been apart for the better of the pregnancy didn’t mean that he didn’t need her. It was quite the opposite actually. She was what kept him going and that wasn’t going to change. With her he would be able to hold it together only because of Caroline, but he would much rather have her around. Even if they were never anything at least she was still around. That’s what really mattered the most, just having Rachel around. He’d rather have her yelling at him then have her six feet in the ground in a box.

Puck watched as she went towards the scissors, knowing that she wasn’t going to get them. He was faster and stronger than she was, so of course he was going to get them back no matter what. He watched her as she tried to get the scissors for a few moments before he moved around her body and snatched the scissors. He placed them on the counter and moved down so he was at Rachel’s level. “No,” he whispered, shaking his head. “You are not doing it.” He was firm but at the same time it wasn’t like he was being an asshole. He just wanted to keep her alive because even though this shit sucked he didn’t think that she should die. “Listen I love you. Okay? I really fuckin’ love you more than you will ever know and that’s why I need you. I just need you around, okay?”

very-berry-rachel:

Rachel couldn’t listen to him. She didn’t want to hear his words. She wanted him to leave her alone. She didn’t even want to be able to hear his words. She didn’t want to be there. She didn’t want to be alive if she wasn’t really her anymore. She should have just died. She never wanted to be like him. Well, that was mostly true. She had only been willing to be like him when she thought they had a future together but they didn’t have a future together anymore. She didn’t want to be like him. She wanted to be her and she could never be here again. She would never be the same and she couldn’t handle it. She didn’t know how to handle it. She didn’t want to handle it so she didn’t answer him. She just made her way into the bathroom and closed the door behind her, locked it.

She used the sink to keep her balance and opened the little drawer that was below it, pulled out the pair of scissors kept there and then let herself slide down to the floor, slid herself over so she was pressed against the tub. She didn’t want to be something she wasn’t supposed to be and she wasn’t supposed to be that. And God, why couldn’t she have just stayed dead? It would be so much better. Her hands shaking, her senses going crazy on her she lifted up her hand and opened the scissors, pressed the blade of one side against her wrist. She pressed down and down and down until the skin started to split and then took a deep breath and adjusted her grip so she could prepare to drag it across her wrist, the smell of blood too damn overwhelming for so little having been shed.

Puck didn’t expect Rachel to handle this easily. It’s something that no one did when they were turned like this, against their will. Sebastian and Quinn both struggled with it but he had this feeling that Rachel was going to be worse than the two of them combined. He didn’t leave but he didn’t exactly follow her either. He just kept a close enough distance that he would be able to know what’s going on, just in case she tried something stupid. Well, at least he thought it would be stupid in the current moment, in her brain it wouldn’t be stupid. IT was subjective to say the least.

He stood there and the minute that he smelled just the tiniest hint of her blood that he knew was not from her clothing that had dried earlier he practically bolted into the bathroom, yanking the scissors out of her hand and tossing them to the other side of the bathroom, hearting the metal from the blades sliding across the tile. There was no way he was going to let her do that and even if it seemed like an asshole move, making that kind of decision for her he didn’t care. She had been through too much and she had to think of Caroline, if she wasn’t going to think of anyone then she needed to think of her daughter. “I have no idea what you’re going through and I’m not even going to pretend that I do. But this is not the answer,” he whispered, trying to be as soft as he could. “I know this isn’t what you wanted but you can’t leave Caroline. She needs you. She needs you more than anything else and I need you.”

very-berry-rachel:

Rachel didn’t even look at him when he held the shirt out to her nor did she make any move to take it. Her head hurt and was spinning. The smells were getting to her. Everything smelled too strongly and her head was throbbing. And she just closed her eyes and tried to breathe. She tried to bring her mind back to reality though it didn’t seem to be working. And that’s when she heard it. The breathing on the other end of the baby monitor. It was so much louder than it should have been. It was so much louder than it ever had been before. Her mouth felt dry and her tongue felt heavy in her throat. She wasn’t sure whether she wanted to scream or cry but God she wanted to do something and it wasn’t be there. She didn’t want to be there. She couldn’t be there. It wasn’t right. Nothing was right. Everything about what was going on was all wrong.

“You…you n-n-need to go,” she stuttered out, her voice shaky and quiet and foreign to her own ears, lifting up one hand to point her finger at him and even her hand was shaking. But she still didn’t look at him. She couldn’t even think about looking at him. Instead she tried climbing out of the bed and found that as soon as her feet hit the floor she was still weak. She almost fell flat on her face but caught herself by pressing her hands against the bedside table and then, using the furniture and wall for support she started to make her way towards the bathroom. It wasn’t right. This wasn’t right at all. She couldn’t deal with the reality of everything just then. She could never deal with the reality of the situation. It wasn’t her life. It wasn’t supposed to be her life. It was just all wrong and she couldn’t think straight.

Puck didn’t really expect her to handle everything perfectly fine and be good to go in five minutes flat, so he tried to just stay there even if she didn’t want him there. He didn’t exactly know what she was going through since he had been born a wolf, but at the same time it’s not like there was anyone else around who would know what she was going through. He was going to do his best to be there for her even if she told him to go. It would be overwhelming and with the baby on top of that it would just be a lot to handle in such a short period of time.

 “I’m not going, Rachel.” He said it as calmly and quietly as he possibly could. He wasn’t trying to be an ass and demanding that he stayed. It was just that her being alone probably wasn’t the best thing that could happen. He watched her as she walked, making sure that she didn’t fall or hurt herself, granted she’d heal nonetheless. “I’ll be right here.” He was probably going to piss her off but he couldn’t just leave, and even if he did leave it would just be the room. He was no leaving her alone in the house to just deal with her new found life. Her life just took a drastic turn and there was no way in hell that she’d be able to process and deal with it in five minutes, so he was determined to be there.

very-berry-rachel:

Rachel just looked at him. She looked at him like she wasn’t sure she what he was saying, like maybe she didn’t understand. She looked at him like he was speaking another language but also like she wasn’t sure she wanted to answer him, like she wanted to talk to him. And she sort of didn’t. Because even if he had been sort of nice to her before she had stopped breathing she didn’t want to be around him. Nothing had changed and it felt strange to have him there with her just then, especially sitting there half naked. She wanted him away from her because there was a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach with him around. It was like she couldn’t breathe. It was like she couldn’t do anything but sit there on the bed and look at him like he was a stranger. And the smell. Everything smelled so strange and different. She couldn’t even try to explain the smell. Even he smelled different. And it was so strange that she could smell him the way she could. God, she had never been able to smell him like that before. It was so strange it made her want to vomit. Not because he smelled gross because he didn’t. It was just strange.

She glanced around, turned her head slowly like she couldn’t really understand where she was. And she couldn’t really understand where she was. It was like everything was this great big haze. And it was a haze. She couldn’t really understand what was going on and she couldn’t even think of answering him. She didn’t even want to talk to him given the situation that they were in. Besides, it wasn’t like he genuinely cared if she lived or died, right? It was just about Caroline and she knew that. It was all about Caroline and wanting her to have her mother in her life.

Puck was pretty puzzled by the look on her face. She was just staring at him like it he was doing something wrong and considering he was well him he figured he probably was. He just didn’t know exactly he was doing wrong. So he just took a step back, hoping that maybe it would be help. He wanted to say something else but he didn’t know exactly what he could say. It’s not like he could just start talking like he normally did. She pretty much died and now she was back and there was no way in hell that she was the same Rachel that she had been before. He just didn’t know what to do so he just stood there and looked at her.

After a few minutes of him just standing there he took a step close once and more and took a seat on the edge of the bed. He was actually pretty concerned since none of her moments were very Rachel like. He took a minute to check her out, just because he thought he should, make sure that she was okay as she could be. Since he was a wolf himself he knew what was happening but he was trying to be as calm and supportive as he could possibly be. No use sitting there and spitting off random information that would have been no use in that exact moment. After knowing that she was okay he got up and grabbed her shirt, taking his seat back on the bed and handing her the shirt. “Here.” It wasn’t that he really cared, it’s not like he hadn’t seen her half naked before, but at the end of the day Rachel was still Rachel and there was no way in hell she’d be comfortable just hanging out topless with her baby daddy.

very-berry-rachel:

For a while she just laid there, her body unmoving, her lungs no longer taking in oxygen. She didn’t move; she didn’t react; she didn’t breathe. There was nothing left inside of her. She couldn’t respond to him if she tried. She couldn’t even hear him. She couldn’t hear a single word that he said and for a while she just laid there. She just laid there without any indication that she was going to wake up. Because she was gone. At the moment she was gone, completely and totally gone and nothing could bring her back. Nothing that Puck said would wake her up.

And then, all at once, her body shuddered and she opened her eyes, her mouth opening in a gasp as she tried to take in air. Her lungs burned and her back arched. Her eyes couldn’t focus on anything at first. Her eyes were glassy and hazy as she looked up at the ceiling. She couldn’t make it out at first. She couldn’t make out anything. She just looked up at the ceiling and her chest heaved for a while, her entire body tense, her spine still arched. And when her eyes started to focus again everything felt wrong. It felt off. And the smell. Everything smelled different. It was the same and yet different and she didn’t understand it. All she knew was that everything smelled strange and that her shoulder wasn’t hurting anymore. She could feel his hand squeezing down on hers though it was sort of something she acknowledged in the back of her mind because her mind was racing. It was hazy and she dint quite understand what was going on. It was like she was in a different body; it was like she wasn’t herself anymore and she wasn’t sure how to deal with that. She felt too warm for her skin and her heart felt like it was going to beat out of her chest. And it took her a long, long time- or it felt like a long, long time- but she eventually turned her head slightly and looked at him, her gaze still hazy as she looked at him, tried to focus her vision so she could see him as more than a hazy outline. And yet she knew the outline. She knew the outline like she knew the back of her hand. She would know it anywhere. She’d be able to make it out a mile away.

The minutes that ticked by seemed to be going so slow, like no time was really passing at all. He had no idea how long he had been standing there just holding her hand and looking at her lifeless body. He hated it. He hated all of it and just how life was playing out. He should never have brought her into his world because he royally fucked her over; even if he wasn’t the one who did the damage himself.

He was in shock the moment that she opened her eyes and was breathing again. It was the last thing he expected but he smiled like he had never smiled before. “Holy shit,” he managed to get out, looking down at her. He couldn’t believe that she was actually alive and not dead like he had thought she was. He gave her a few seconds to adjust before hugging her. He couldn’t help it. It was probably the wrong moment but she alive and it was probably one of the happiest moments of his life, next to meeting Caroline for the first time. He pulled back and just looked at her, brushing her hair away from her face a little. “I thought you were dead and now you’re alive. Holy. Shit.” He really couldn’t form any more words than that, he was so relieved and it was a feeling that he couldn’t describe. It was almost unreal how that turned out. After a few more minutes of just standing there in pure shock he finally snapped back to reality and realized that instead of standing there like an idiot just staring at her he should say something. “How do you feel?”

very-berry-rachel:

Rachel slept. She slept, her entire body feeling cold. She shivered and shuddered on the bed, pulled the covers around her as she slept without even realizing that she was doing it. She wasn’t really aware of anything she was doing since she was, in fact, asleep. She couldn’t be aware. She just lay under the covers, her body shuddering the entire time. and she stayed like that for a long, long while, just passed out asleep as she lay underneath the covers, her body trying to fight against the infection that was spreading through her thanks to the scratch she had received. And then the inevitable happened. Her body started to convulse as the infection started to spread through her body. Her body moved in ways she never thought it could, her limbs contorting, her body flopping around like a fish out of water. It was probably the worst thing to experience because even in her dim haze she could feel the pain but she can also imagine that it must have been very horrible to watch. But she had never watched that happen before. She hadn’t ever seen anyone convulse the way her body was. She was afraid she was actually going to end up breaking a bone. But somewhere in the back of her head she knew she might not wake up anyway so even if she broke her bones it wouldn’t really matter. She would be dead and dead bodies have no reason to worry about broken bones.

All of a sudden her body stopped convulsing. Her body stopped convulsing all together and she just laid still, her entire body still shivering, still shaking from the fact that her body was trying to fight off the infection inside of her. And then, all at once, she stopped breathing all together. Her body stopped shaking, her body stopped shuddering and it just lied still. There was no movement; there was nothing to indicate that there was any life left inside of her. Her body just laid there on the bed beneath the covers though they had moved during the convulsion so they were pooled around her waist, her entire torso exposed to the cool air, her hair a mess beneath her head, one arm slung over her head from the way her body had been shuddering. She just lay there looking almost peaceful, almost like she was just sleeping. And if she was still breathing she probably could seem to be sleeping. But her chest was no longer rising and falling.

Puck sat there the entire time and just watched her. There was nothing he could do to help and it was probably the most painful experiences without actually feeling any pain. That didn’t seem to make much sense but none of anything seemed to make much sense to him lately. Every once in a while he would adjust the covers, make sure that she wasn’t totally dying just for his own peace of mind. She wasn’t exactly aware of anything, at least that’s what he figured, so it didn’t matter all that much. Watching her though, it got harder with each passing moment. It was hard watching someone you loved in that kind of position because he did still love her. There was no one else he ever loved and even through all of their shit he loved her more than anything in the world, next to Caroline of course. He was just so glad that Caroline wasn’t old enough to know what was going on with Rachel; it would scar the poor child for life.

Once she settled down and was lying still he readjusted the blanket on her and just looked at her. For a couple of moments he just thought that she had drifted off into a sleep minus all the convulsions. He knew better though. He had senses that told him otherwise and even to the naked human eye it would have said otherwise. “No,” he whispered to himself, his face totally blank as he picked up her hand and just held it. She wasn’t breathing and he knew what that meant. He didn’t know what to think so he just didn’t think anything at all. It was safer that way, for the moment at least. If she was truly dead like he suspected then he would have the rest of his life to think about everything, a few minutes of mindlessness wasn’t going to hurt anyone. “I love you and I’ll always love you,” he managed to get out, giving her hand a squeeze as he looked down at her.

very-berry-rachel:

“But I’m not strong,” Rachel whispered back to him. Reaching up she put her hand against his cheek, brushed her fingers along the little wet trail that the tear had made. She wasn’t quite sure why he was crying. Even if he had loved her everything had changed. They weren’t together anymore and they never would be again. She knew that. Even if she lived she knew they’d never be together again. It was a feeling in the pit of her stomach. And he didn’t love her anymore anyway. She knew he didn’t. So, it was nice of him to say he had loved her then but it didn’t need to be said. Because he didn’t love her anymore. “I’ve never been strong. I’ve always been weak. I’ve always been too emotional.” And she knew he would know that was true. He knew she was overly emotional most of the time. Before he could move away from her though she lowered her hand a little and gripped his shirt for a second. “Just so we can set the record straight? I never slept with Jonah.” She didn’t think she could have anyway. She knew she might have tired but she doubted she would have been able to sleep with him knowing that her heart would always belong to Puck whether they were together or not.

She leaned closer to him and pressed another kiss to his mouth, another very soft, barely there kiss, sort of a final kiss, a kiss to say goodbye to him. She wanted let him know, in a way, without using words that she loved him. No matter how angry she had gotten with him she still loved him. She would always love him. Whether she died before the end of the day or she lived another eighty years? She would love him. He owned too much of her heart for her not to love him for the rest of her life. So she just dropped her hand down from his shirt and then she rested against the pillow, feeling weak and pathetic. She hated that feeling. “Just….take care of Caroline,” she whispered to him. And try as she might to keep her eyes open, try as she might she couldn’t stay awake. The cut was starting to take its toll and it was making her fall asleep. She tried to keep her eyes open though. She tried to keep her eyes open so she wouldn’t slip into the same convulsions she had the last time. But sleep took her anyway.

 “You are.” There would never be a moment that Puck would not think she was strong even if she did think that she was strong. Even if she didn’t believe it herself he was going to always believe that she was strong, she was so strong and there was nothing that was ever going to change his mind. It just wasn’t something that was going to happen so she would just have to get over the fact that he thought she was strong. “I was never emotional enough.” That was something that stayed true. It was the downfall of their relationship. She had so many emotions and he never tuned into his, causing them to fight and argue more than they should have. When she commented about sleeping with Jonah he just shook his head and cracked a little smile. “I never thought you did.” She wasn’t someone who just went around sleeping with guys and she never would be one of those people. So it really wasn’t all that much of a surprise that she didn’t sleep with him.

He hated everything that the kiss represented. It was sort of like the end because whether or not she lived or died that was the final kiss that they were going to share. There was this sick feeling going through him that she was going to deny and he hoped he was just being paranoid. “I’ll take care of Caroline.” By then he’d just tell her what she wanted to hear. There was no use fighting with her. When he saw that she felt asleep he quickly stepped out of the room to go and check on Caroline. He picked her up for a few minutes, just rocking her in his arms. “Mommy’s going to be okay. She has to be okay because we need her, don’t we princess?” He looked down at her. She was so innocent, had no clue what actually was going on in the house and with Rachel. Part of him wished that he could keep her like that forever. “You are banned from the woods for a very long time and if anyone ever touches you I will kill them with my bare hands.” He whispered, getting a little overprotective streak. Caroline seemed content so he placed a kiss on her head, setting her back down and grabbing the baby monitor as he exited the room, taking a seat in the chair next to Rachel’s bed.

very-berry-rachel:

“Stop saying I’m going to be fine. You don’t know that.” She wasn’t saying it to be mean. She was saying it because he had to face the reality of the situation. She could very well die. She could die right there in that cabin. She could pass out on the bed and convulse in her sleep and that would be that. He had to face that reality and face the fact that she might not wake up, that he would have to take care of Caroline all by himself. Well, he’d have help but that wasn’t the point. The point was she wouldn’t be around to help him with her. And he had to accept that. He had to accept that, let it in, process it. It wasn’t ideal. If she could she would make sure she stuck around so she could be there for her daughter. She didn’t want to leave her. She loved her more than anything. But at least she knew she’d be taken care of. And at least she got a little time with her. She was lucky in that way. She was lucky to have been able to see Caroline at all. She had been so sure the labor was going to kill her it was so painful. But it hadn’t and she got to see that beautiful little girl that actually looked so much like Puck it was crazy.

She shifted closer to him so he could help her to get to the bedroom as soon as he was ready to. “We both know what might happen here. So don’t act like it won’t. Don’t do that. You have to face the reality of the situation. You have to take it in and process it.” Tilting her head up a bit she looked up at him through her bangs, her dark eyes skipping across his face for a few seconds. “I really did love you, Noah,” she whispered to him because it was true. She had loved him. She had loved him so much it hurt a lot of the time; she loved him so much that every time he hurt her it felt like her heart was exploding. It was a kind of love she couldn’t even put into words. It was too hard to describe exactly how she felt about him. And instead of trying to she leaned forward, brushed a barely there kiss across his lips, ran her fingers lightly down his cheek. “More than anything. And you’ll be fine without me. You were always fine without me. You were always a thousand times stronger than I ever was.”

 “You’re right. I don’t know that you’re going to be fine, but I can believe that you will be. I’m not going sit here and say that you’re going to die. So while you make amends and say your goodbyes I’m going to sit here and hope that you will be okay.” Rachel was a lot stronger than she gave herself credit for. There was no way that she could have gone through half of the shit that she went through without being a strong woman. She survived a scratch, all of their shit, giving birth to Caroline, and if she was weak then she would have never been able to go through all of that. She would have already been dead because she wouldn’t have been able to handle it, but she was still alive. And Puck was trying to remain as positive as he possibly could that she was going to live. She had to live. There was no other way.

 “I know,” he whispered back to her. He knew that he couldn’t just pretend that none of this was happening because it was. There was a chance that she could die but he was trying to remain positive that she would survive. Rachel was a survivor and she would be okay, that’s just what he kept telling himself. He looked back at her, his own eyes glossing over showing just how upset he was by the entire thing. “I loved you, too, Rachel. I know you don’t believe that but I loved you so much.” The words were getting harder for him to say but he tried his best to remain calm and strong. It was no use if he fell apart right then and there. When he felt her lips and fingers he just shut his eyes, a single tear slipping out and falling down his cheek. The reality was setting in that she could die and that scared him more than anything else ever had. “That’s not true. I was just good at hiding it. You were the strong one. Without you Caroline wouldn’t be here.” Instead of trying to convince her just how strong she was he just helped her to the room and the bed. “You’re so much stronger than you will ever know,” he whispered and then kissed her on her forehead. “Believe that.”

very-berry-rachel:

“It doesn’t really hurt,” Rachel whispered to him. The cut still hurt but he wasn’t really causing her much pain by cleaning it off like that. He had done it the last time. It was almost like hitting replay because it was almost exactly a year ago that she had been attacked the first time. It was strange to think that had happened only a year before. It seemed like forever ago. But then, so much had happened since then that she wasn’t surprised it felt like an eternity had passed. “I’m just…gonna need help getting to one of the bedrooms.” She hated to admit it but she was going to be too weak to walk soon. She’d definitely need his help.

“You don’t need me, Puck,” she continued in that same whispering voice. And she knew he didn’t. He got along perfectly fine without her. “And Caroline will have you and your mom. And my dads. She’ll be alright.” Yes, it would be bad if her daughter couldn’t have her mother but just because little girls deserved to have their mothers in their lives. But she’d be well taken care of. She’d be loved and cherished and protected. That was what mattered. Her daughter would be loved. She would never be in danger. She knew Puck would watch her like a hawk and make sure she was alright. That was enough for her. Turning her head slightly though she looked at him out of the corner of her eye. “I won’t…I won’t apologize for keeping her a secret. I did what I thought was best to keep her alive. But…I am sorry it hurt you. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right away when she was born. It was….selfish of me. It was cruel. And despite everything…you didn’t deserve that. And I didn’t mean it when I told you to die. I was just angry. I’m sorry.”

 “Oh, well good then.” In all honesty he wasn’t sure what else to say. He just continued on cleaning it up and making sure that it didn’t look too nasty before putting the towel in the tub. He’d clean all that up later when she was sleeping. He was pretty sure it would have to be thrown out just because it was bloody and gross. No use keeping a towel when it could easily be replaced. He focused his attention back on Rachel, looking it over to make sure that nothing else was too bad. It was just one of those cuts where you couldn’t really go to a doctor and have them patch it up. It’d heal but it would take time. “Yeah, no problem.”

Even though he couldn’t see her in the position she was sitting in he shook his head at her words. “I do need you,” he replied, nodding his head this time. “She’ll have us but she needs you. You’re her mother and no one deserves to live without their mother. And I need you because…well I just need you. Okay? I’d rather have you here and driving me crazy then having you gone.” Just the thought of losing her was almost too much for him to handle. He was pretty good at hiding emotions, pretending he didn’t care, but not with this. He cared and he didn’t care about hiding it from her. “I understand why you did it.” It took him a bit to finally get it but he did understand eventually. “I’m just sorry I drove you to that edge. Don’t worry about any of it, okay? I’m not mad. I get to see her and that’s what t really matters. I say mean shit too, so don’t even think about apologizing for that, Rachel.” He didn’t want to hear any of this, it was like she was preparing to die and he didn’t want to hear it. It made it too real and he couldn’t handle that. “I’m sorry for everything. We’d be here until next year if I started listing it out, just know I’m sorry. But all of this is pointless. You’re going to be fine and that’s that. Now let’s get you to bed.”